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A Nuru Massage is a Japanese erotic massage technique where a masseuse rubs her body against the client's body while both of them are naked and covered with massage oil. Have a question for Dear Life Kit? Share it anonymously here. Listen to Emily Nagoski's full response in the audio at the top of the page or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. If there is a single specific thing, it's cuddling after sex. But the research tells us none of those things are good predictors of a couple's long-term sexual satisfaction. People often think that you can assess a sex life in terms of spontaneous desire, how many orgasms people have, what positions you use, or whether or not you do adventurous things. Sex is not important for all relationships, and it's normal for it to be important during some phases of a relationship and then not important for a while and then come back. So when you begin to move in the direction of erotic touch, your body can recognize, 'Oh, that's pleasure.' And if it feels pleasurable, you're probably going to be interested in experiencing more of it. Gradually, you'll build your body's access to knowing what pleasure feels like.

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Figure out how to connect and share time outside of sexuality. Instead, focus on exploring different experiences of pleasure: food pleasure or play in other parts of your life. When people have negative associations with initiating sex, the first rule is to take sex off the table. Before I say it, can we agree that our relationship is not at stake?' I know that's a lot of buffer language, but we're so tender, so that's how much it takes. I'm going to say something, and I worry it will feel like I'm criticizing you, but I'm just trying to connect with you. It really matters to me that we can connect in this way. Try the sandwich method of criticism but with ninety percent bread and ten percent critique. It sounds like you're dissatisfied with the kind of sex you're having. One thing that fascinates me about the question is, 'First, the sex was great, then it got less interesting.' Do you mean interesting, or do you mean pleasurable? Do you like the sex you're having? And if not, what kind of sex is worth wanting?Ī couple of the questions I encourage people to think through and talk to their partner about are: 'What is it that I want when I want sex? What is it that I like when I like sex?' Those kinds of questions give us a lot more information about what might be happening. It is normal not to want sex you do not like.

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